Self-compassion is when a person treats themselves with the same care and kindness they would give a family member or a friend. I often ask people, “If you wouldn’t say this to someone else, why would you say it to yourself?” or “If you aren’t going to treat yourself with kindness, then who is going to?”
There are three components to implementing self-compassion into your life:
Self-kindness - Being gentle and understanding with yourself, avoiding being judgmental and harshly critical.
Recognition of common humanity - Feeling connected with others in experiences rather than isolated and alienated by your suffering.
Mindfulness - Holding your experiences in balanced awareness, rather than ignoring your pain or exaggerating it.
How does this look in real life? It might look like using statements such as:
“I am feeling stressed with having two exams this week, that’s a lot in a week. I can get through it; this is common in college.”
“This break-up is really painful. I feel disappointed, jealous, and disrespected; while I feel alone right now, not all relationships are meant to last.”
“I miss my family right now, it’s hard to be away from the people I care the most about and the environment I feel so connected to.”
“I would have liked to have done better on that project and I did the best I could, given I was so sick the days before it.”
Practicing self-compassion can lead to more happiness, optimism, gratitude, and better relationships with others. Self-compassion can lower stress, anxiety, and depression by decreasing perfectionist thinking and self-criticism. In addition, having self-compassion can help you bounce back from setbacks and learn from your mistakes.
I encourage you to complete the following exercise:
- Think about a challenge you are facing now or in the near future. This might be an upcoming exam, presentation, job interview, tough assignment, difficult group work, an end of a relationship, etc. Take a piece of paper and fold it in half. On one side, write down the thoughts you have toward yourself related to this challenge.
- Flip over that piece of paper and write down the thoughts you would say to a friend or family member going through the same challenge.
- Unfold the paper. What do you notice about these statements? Are there similarities? Are there differences? Which statements bring about better feelings for you? How would those better feelings lead you to get through that challenge?
Resource: Neff, Kristin, 2023, Self-compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion.org.